Wow, that verse pretty much sums up what I’ve been learning through reading The Red Sea Rules. Good one–and what great imagery–that the path often leads through the sea and mighty waters, and God brings us through both, although we don’t always see those footprints next to us as would be our way.

Ok–this is probably going to be a long one–there’s a good amount to update, so buckle up. 🙂

First, let’s start with a low and go back to over a week ago (Friday, March 27th) when I was doing my tests/scans at Northwestern. I started out at 8am with the Pulmonary Function test, then moved to the MUGA scan for my heart at 9:15, and I finished up with the CT scan at 12pm. At my 8th chemo treatment on March 18th, my nurse Michelle was having a hard time finding a vein (they’re hiding, I believe, because they know what’s coming), and we realized that I hadn’t had much water, which I guess makes it harder to find veins anyway. So, I’ve been trying to drink more water, but when it came time for these tests, you can’t eat or drink anything for like 12 hours prior to the CT scan, so the lack of hydration, plus the fact that my veins hate needles these days contributed to lots of nurses poking my skin to get good veins. For the MUGA and CT scans, each injection/IV took at least 15 minutes and at least 3 pokes per scan to get a working vein. With the MUGA scan, I guess some got out of the vein, so I got this awesome (slash NOT) bubble under the skin in my left hand, and then for the CT scan, the contrast or dye that they inserted was into a pretty small vein in my other hand, and it basically felt like I was getting stung by a bee for two minutes. But, when they offered to slow it down, it still hurt, and I figured that if it was gonna drag out the pain, I’d rather just go fast and get it over with. To top off my “terrible, horrible, very bad day” (throwback to childhood books), I had to drink the sicknasty Barium Sulfate again for the CT scan, which again, I downed by plugging my nose and chugging. Basically, when I got in my car to drive back to Wheaton, I had HAD it. I was sick of being poked, sick of having all these ugly bruises from all the pokes, and was feeling like it was all just cruel to have to feel like a lab rat, pretty much. So, I had a short teary moment while driving back, which I think has been one of the only mini-meltdowns I’ve had in all this, PTL. You would think that I would lose it after chemo, but no, apparently the tests did it for me–I was just tired of it all.

My thoughts on the drive back ran something like this: I can look back on most things that have been struggles in my life, and I can see that God has used each of those to strengthen and grow me, all of which have prepared me to go through the next trial. And I KNOW that–that He is so faithful in using each thing to draw me to Him and prepare me to make it through whatever He has for me. But then, I started asking “Oh Lord, is this as hard as it gets? Because if this is all preparing me for something worse in the future, then that sucks and I don’t even want to think about that.” And, while I know that I am lucky in all of this and that this isn’t even THAT bad always, I was just low. Also, I realize that, it’s not like you go through something difficult and then God says, “Ok, you’ve paid your dues. It’s all smooth sailing from here”–and I don’t expect that anyway. But, those were my thoughts, and so I would love prayers again to persevere, but also to keep growing and learning what He has for me, as well as to keep trusting in His sovereignty.

So, I share all this to share a low and be real with where I was last week, and also to contrast that with some highs. Since those darn tests, I’ve gotten to celebrate birthdays and wedding showers with friends, hang out with some other good buds, and on Tuesday night, my friend Aniela and I went line dancing, which was a nice reminder of home and got me excited about the summer back in the south. 🙂 On Thursday, my dad came in for chemo #9–hallelujah for now being 75% of the way through this!!! Definitely praise the Lord for that!! Back to the hospital–my dad arrived, and we met with my nurse practitioner Sarah Miyata who gave me the test results from the previous week. She said they looked good–the MUGA scan was great, the CT scan was great, and I have been in remission for two months now! She did add that my pulmonary function (lung) test came back still in normal range, but it showed that my own function was 10% lower than the last time. That could either be due to chemo-induced anemia (which iron supplements will not help since it’s chemically induced), or it could be the result of one of the drugs, the Bleomycin, which can adversely affect the lungs. The doctors are a little unsure of how effective the Bleo is anyway–and other countries do not even use it in this regimen (apparently we overtreat here). If the lower lung function is due to anemia, that will go back up after chemo is over, but if the lower results are due to damage from the Bleo, that could be permanent. So, they’ve decided that we can do without it for the rest of the treatment, so I’m now on AVD treatment. 🙂 Yay for getting to drop a poison. 🙂 Bummer, though, that when my dad asked if this one caused hair loss, I asked if it made me feel flu-like, and we asked about mouth pain, the answers were all in the negative, so of all the drugs we’re dropping, of course it would be the one that doesn’t really have awful side effects. But, hey! The less poison you have to get is always a good thing, I say.

Also to note is that my counts are again super low. Like at 100. So I pretty much am almost immune system-less. Sarah always cautions me against germs, and I don’t think I would ever tell her I flew on three planes, hung out in Times Square and theaters, and danced at a wedding over spring break…apparently the fact that I played volleyball against my 14 year old kids at practice last week made her nervous (then I found out she’s married to an infectious disease doctor). Anyway, when she heard even about volleyball and me flying home for Easter next week, she told me to be VERY careful and was shocked that I hadn’t gotten sick yet, due to my counts being off the charts…in a low way. She said, “Well, whatever you’re doing–keep doing it!” to which I replied, “LOTS of prayer.” So, thank you IMMENSELY for all of your prayers against illness–seriously, what a blessing that I haven’t had a fever, haven’t had to go to the hospital, and on top of that, that I’ve been able to enjoy a lot of stuff during my final semester at Wheaton. I mean, I still spend a good amount of time on the couch every other week, but in the good weeks, it hasn’t held me back TOO much, so PRAISE THE LORD! I’m not superstitious and have never knocked on wood, but I will definitely ask for continued prayers against sickness, fever, and any other illness. And please know that every prayer for me has definitely had an impact, so thanks for being a huge part of this team that goes beyond the doctors, nurses, etc., and really shows what the body of Christ means.

A couple more things–my dad and I got to see Mary Poppins in Chicago on Friday night, which I had seen in NYC a couple years ago, but it was just as good here! Afterward we continued the tradition of waiting at the stage door from New York, and we got some autographs, which was fun, too. Plus it was good time with my dad and hanging out a little in the city. I’m a sucker for musicals–call me cheesy, since I realize in real life people do not break out into spontaneous song, but I still love them, so that was great. Other than that, today I’m taking it fairly lazy, and tomorrow (Monday) and Tuesday will be days 5 and 6, so I’m parking it on this futon for a while. On Thursday, however, I get to fly home for Easter, which will be good family time again, and I’ll get to see Madelyn, who turns 17 on Tuesday. SCARRRRYYYY. We’re getting old. No way my little sister is almost a high school senior. Or that I’m almost a college graduate. Also, since apparently this is birthday week on steroids, I’m gonna go ahead and give a “happy birthday!” shoutout to Smashlie, Lando, Little J, Madelyn, and Jerri just because I can. 🙂

And back on to more serious things–as for prayer, the continued “health” prayers are huge, and for safety travelling, perseverance, etc. But also, at treatment on Thursday, my nurse Michelle told us that Dr. Gordon’s wife was just diagnosed (for the second time) with breast cancer, so if you could be praying for my doctor and his wife–for healing, encouragement, and perseverance, that would be great. He’s been a great doctor, and he’s got a gentle spirit and has been such a blessing, so if you would lift them up, I know they would love that.

And to close it out for the day, I thought I would pass on some thoughts from having read Scott Hamilton’s biography The Great Eight: How to Be Happy (even when you have every reason to be miserable). Yes, he’s the ice skater who does backflips–and if you wonder why I know that, basically I grew up watching him skate in all my 10 years as a figure skater. Yeah–if you didn’t know I skated, please just picture me out there towering over the 4-foot-nothings who spent forever at the rink, and then I give you permission to laugh. Anyway, I saw Scott’s bio at Family Christian Stores and was not aware he was a believer, so I figured it’d be an interesting read. Some of it was a little cheesy as he related secrets to finding happiness all to figure skating, but he did have some good points, and the guy has gone through cancer and then years later a brain tumor, so I feel like he’s got the experience from which to talk about finding happiness when he probably “should have been miserable.” One of the things he talked about rang very true with me–and still does–as he talked of how he and others referred to cancer as both the worst thing that had ever happened to them as well as the best thing that had ever happened. While I’m not quite feeling like it’s at either of those ends–or at least not the best thing that’s ever happened to me–it is true that, despite the crappiness of this whole deal, being through all of this has really shown me how many blessings God has given me. I’ve already said again and again how grateful I am for all of your prayers, encouragement, messages, and support–and I mean that! I also can’t even begin to mention the number of friends who have been so faithful in praying for me and showing me so much love–and how humbling when at times I have been frustrated with some of these friendships because I’ve felt that they were unbalanced. And then, of course, they have been some of the most faithful to lift me up and send me encouraging messages. So even just seeing how God is faithful, how ironic His plans and timing are, and learning to embrace the body of believers–broken and all–have all just been things making the unfortunate circumstance of cancer one of the better occasions in my life, just like Scott recounted.

And that’s all I have for now. My computer is dying, I am watching the movie Mary Poppins now, and I should probably clean up my room soon…But seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray that you will be blessed this week and that Easter will be such a great one this year–not just fading into all the other celebrations you’ve had, but that Christ’s sacrifice would really make an impact!

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,

Hannah