Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Today is officially an amazing day, in my opinion, because it is 75 degrees outside (yes, in Wheaton, IL in MARCH!) and sunny, too! Plus, I am still riding high from having an amazing time over the past week, so I am soaking it all in right now.
First, to comment on Psalm 66:12–I read this last night, and it just seemed so poignant–what with having read The Red Sea Rules, and being reminded of how the same God who faithfully brought the Israelites through the Red Sea brings us through our trials and the hard times just as faithfully. Also, there’s a great Ginny Owens song that I first heard in middle school probably, and I have so loved it since then. It’s called “If You Want Me To,” and my favorite part of it says,
“Cause I’m not who I was when I took my first steps, and I’m clinging to
the promise that You’re not through with me yet. So if all of these
trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if You
want me to. It may not be the way I would’ve chosen, when You lead me
through a world that’s not my home. But You never said it would be easy,
You only said I’ll never go alone.”
Anyway, when I read Psalm 66 last night and I made it to verse 12, I was reminded of The Red Sea Rules and of this song, both of which have great points in encouraging us to press on and trust in the One that is faithful and who can and WILL bring us through any and every trial, bringing us to a place of abundance with Him.
So, that was a huge encouragement to me, especially because, I’ll be really honest with you: I’m tired of this whole “chemo thing.” It’s pretty lame, in my opinion. Currently, I can’t really straighten my left arm due to the effects of the drugs on my vein which make my arm really painful and my veins ropey (if that’s actually a word). Also, I have one vein so tight that I’m slightly convinced that if I do straighten my left arm, my vein might just snap in half or something. My perseverance is being tested, so for those of you who are praying specifically for that, THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!!! That said, I have been shown lately–through encouragement, reminders of God’s faithfulness, and hearing some REALLY tough stories lately about other people battling intense cancers and other hardships–that I am so blessed in all of this, no matter how my sarcastic and slightly pessimistic self might otherwise try to be convinced at times.
Speaking of blessing…last week was GREAT! I said I would write on here before I left, but clearly that didn’t happen–getting out of town is always a whirlwind for me, and this time was no exception. We had some minor flooding issues Sunday night, and the Armstrongs (my stand-in family up here in Wheaton who have all been the biggest blessing to my time here and can’t adequately be bragged about) came over for many-an-hour during the chaos to fix the sump pump and backup that both quit on us. PTL that I was still in town–it was spring break, so any other year, I would’ve peaced out ASAP to get me some sun, but since I’d had treatment, day 5 and 6 fell on Sunday and Monday, so I didn’t leave for my trip until Tuesday morning. So, as much as I was moping on the couch about having to be here when it was eerily empty around Wheaton with everyone else gone, PTL that I was here to see the water instead of only finding it once it had flooded everything, and PTL that the Armstrongs are great under pressure and handle pretty much every situation with grace and peace. So anyway, amidst the chaos of water being in places it shouldn’t have been, I was trying to muster up energy and focus enough to pack and get out of town, so I carried on the legacy of being a whirlwind when getting out of town like a pro.
Once I got to New York City, though, I had an awesome time! I got to spend some great quality time with Melissa (my first co-counselor from K-West-the-BEST), and we had a blast seeing the city. We saw two plays, and afterward we met some of the cast outside of both shows, which was fun because Lauren Graham (Lorelei from Gilmore Girls) and Oliver Platt were in Guys and Dolls, so we met them and got their autographs. We also toured NBC studios and saw behind-the-scenes of the Today Show and Nightly News with Brian Williams. We couldn’t see SNL’s studio which was a bummer, and the second bummer was that the REASON we couldn’t see SNL was because Kelly Clarkson was up there practicing for the show on Saturday, and as I want to be her, I was disappointed at being so close but so far, but life goes on. We did a ton of other stuff, so it was just fun being there and actually being able to walk around a lot and have the energy to do NYC.
Saturday afternoon I flew to Houston from New York for my cousin Elaine’s wedding. IT WAS SUCH A BLAST! I am still just like so full of joy from having been there with my family and from the fun that we had! Elaine is the oldest of all the McGinnis cousins, and after her, we’ve had at least one graduation–and sometimes two–pretty much every year, so we’re all packed in there age-wise. This was kind of kicking off what will be a fun succession of many McGinnis cousin weddings, and the wedding was BEAUTIFUL. My Aunt Janis (Elaine’s mom) did an incredible job planning and my Aunt Karen did an awesome job coordinating everything, so the bar has been set really high. My dad was sitting back and observing for a good portion of the wedding, and I’m guessing right now he’s happy that he’s got a while until he has to start paying for three weddings. Anyway, I had so much fun and was just reminded the whole time with how incredible my family is and how extremely blessed I am to have them for family, to have grown up with them, and to still be close with my cousins. So, it was even just a blessing to have that reminder at a time when I was really annoyed with feeling like we’ve come so far but still have so far to go with this dumb cancer.
And with that, on to the update about treatment. So, tomorrow I have chemo #8. Holla-lujah! (shoutout to Ashley Gross for that term) The bummer news we found out from the last treatment was that, we will pretty much be doing all 12 treatments. They had said there was a possibility we would only do 8, so we were being hopeful–while trying to be realistic–that there was a small chance this could end sooner than planned. But, this past treatment, Dr. Gordon was explaining the criteria by which they would make that decision, and it sounds like if my MUGA scan (for my heart) and the Pulmonary Function test (lungs) after this treatment come back showing that the chemo has done any damage to my heart or lungs, THEN we will stop treatment. So, basically, although I would LOVE to only have to do 8 treatments, I’m thinking permanent damage to my heart and lungs sounds like a bad idea, so now we’re kind of hoping that the report comes back saying my heart and lungs are fine and we’re going all the way to 12. While we knew the chances were slim to stop at 8 anyway, the possibility was encouraging to me, so after this last news which pretty much shot down hope for me, my angst toward “dumb chemo” set in, thus the need for perseverance. On the upside, we ARE at chemo 8, and four months ago, that seemed like a REALLY long time away. As much as chemo is a drag, time is flying. Today I started the final quad of my Wheaton career, so I’m down to 8 weeks of college. Gosh that’s scary. I am nowhere near competent at life to be a real adult, yet. Maybe after the next 5 chemo treatments, I will feel differently…?
So, that’s the report from me now. OH—except, I would like to close with an excerpt from a book that my mom’s sisters sent her for our “chemo-day care packages” that they so faithfully send (shoutout to Aunt Karen, Aunt Debi, and Aunt Jill!) to all of us for each treatment. My mom passed on Same Kind of Different as Me, by Ron Hall and Denver Moore, and while I am usually against reading popular Christian books (call me a literature snob or just stubborn), I am putting my literary stamp of endorsement on this book. Keep some tissues with you, though. I had to stop reading it on the airplane to New York because I think the man next to me was getting concerned about me. Anyway, it’s a great story of two men from completely different worlds and how they end up forming a relationship and what happens along the way. Read it. So, here’s something Ron Hall writes about at the end of the book as he’s reflecting upon this unexpected journey he’s been on and talks about the pain and tears he still has (and I’m trying not to give too much away…):
“And I cannot mask my disappointment that God did not answer yes to our
prayers for healing. I think He’s okay with that. One of the phrases we
evangelicals like to throw around is that Christianity is ‘not just a
religion; it’s a relationship.’I believe that, which is why I know that
when my faith was shattered and I raged against Him, He still accepted me.
And even though I have penciled a black mark in His column, I can be
honest about it. That’s what a relationship is all about.”
You may or may not agree with that, but when I got to that at the end of the book, it just resonated so greatly with me. I remember telling Melissa during the fall, right after I had hurt my knee in volleyball, that I “just needed a victory right now.” Well, two weeks later, our season ended with us NOT going to playoffs for the first time in my Wheaton career, and then next week the frenzy of going to doctors started. And yet, God TOTALLY supplied me with the perseverance I needed at that point because, when I made that statement to Melissa, if you had told me that I was fixing to find out I had cancer, I would’ve had a bigger meltdown than the one I was having at that point, so again, He is so faithful! My situation is nowhere NEAR as hard to handle as Ron’s and so many others–I was thinking of my friend since kindergarten Liz Allbright and her amazing family in dealing with her mom’s passing as I read the book–there are so many that I mentioned I’ve been hearing about lately, and I am reminded again of how light this trial is in contrast to what they’re going through. But, I do nevertheless resonate with feeling so disappointed that God has not answered “yes” to many prayers over the past six months, and what’s more, I have definitely been learning what Ron says next: that he thinks God’s okay with us being disappointed that He hasn’t answered certain prayers in ways we’d like. As bad as that sounds, it IS, in fact, about a relationship, and since He knows how I’m actually feeling deep down inside, I’m seeing that there’s absolutely no point in acting like I’m happy with dumb cancer or like I’m actually excited that He said “no” to a prayer. That’s not real, and from my experience, that’s groundwork for a pretty lame relationship. Furthermore, I liked that Ron talked about “penciling a black mark in that column,” because I feel like that at times, and I’m glad I’m not the only one! I KNOW through and through that God is faithful, and I am absolutely sure that His plans for me are so much better than I could imagine (see previous post…), but that doesn’t mean that I am always happy about it or that I forget and gloss over my disappointment. I wish I could forget the great disappointment I felt years ago when I was rejected from UNC, but, even in that now-insignificant time, I think I probably penciled a black mark in the column of disappointment and prayers answered other than how I wanted. And, what’s most important about all of this rambling of mine is that, since it IS a relationship, like Ron says, “I can be honest about it,” and He is not going to “catch-and-release” me when I am honest.
Whew. All of that is to say two things: (1) I am so thankful that we have a dynamic relationship with God and that He’s okay with me being me–cynical at times, sarcastic most of the time, and a glorious MESS all the time and (2) you really should read Same Kind of Different as Me. 🙂
Congratulations on making it through yet another loooong post. I’ve been storing up these thoughts, and now that they’re out, I feel like I need a nap or something. Thank you for your prayers and for the million ways you have blessed me with your words, scrapbook pages, cards, e-mails, and everything else under the sun. I hope you have a blessed day (holla for the Irish!), and that you know that God is faithful to carry us through each trial, frustration, and even each day.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah