Happy April!!! I can’t believe we are already 1/3 through April of 2010—that’s SO crazy!
Whew! The month of March has come and gone, and I feel like it FLEW by! Here’s what happened and why it moved so quickly: My mom and sister came the first week of March. We had such a blast. We survived The Tsunami (which never really hit…so it essentially killed our sunny Saturday but made for a great story as we evacuated up to a lookout high above Honolulu…and I have a t-shirt that says “I survived the tsunami”…AWESOME). Also, we found the Pirates of the Caribbean ship, The Black Pearl, which is here on Oahu for refurbishing as they turn it into new ship for the 4th movie which is filming on Oahu and Kauai this summer. Long story short, we met the guy in charge of the project–who happened to build the Black Pearl in the first place–and after some shameless begging, he gave Madelyn and I each pieces of the Black Pearl. I got this heavy metal welding something, and Madelyn got a 2 foot long plank from the side of the ship. Below is a picture of my mom, Madelyn, and I on our Pirates adventure.
They left on Saturday at 8pm and my friend Caroline came in at 8:45pm that same night. When I took her to the airport the next Friday, I parked my car and also boarded a plane—not to Dallas but to Maui to see the Armstrongs who were finishing up Wheaton’s spring break there. I hung out there for the night and the next morning, and then I left with them, but we parted ways in the terminal as I headed back to Honolulu and they to Wheaton. Two days later, HBA had its Junior/Senior Banquet (aka Prom), and since I’m a junior advisor and the juniors plan it for the seniors, I was a little frantic (we’re trying to teach them to take initiative…they’re slowly learning…). Prom went well, the next day our grades were due for the 3rd quarter, and after that, I got to breathe again! 🙂 I spent the rest of that week on Oahu, attempting to tackle a to-do list of like 50 items, exploring the island that I live on, and enjoying just being here and not having anything to do! I’d spent my Fall and Christmas breaks back home or in Chicago/NYC, so this was my first break to just chill here for a bit. A highlight from that week hanging out here is that I bought my very own surfboard! I’m no pro, don’t worry, but I like surfing, and though I want to go more often, I was always put off by the $40 to rent a board for an hour, so I decided if I just BUY one, I’ll actually use it! Below is a partial picture of my surfboard.
We had two weeks of spring break, so the 2nd week, I flew to Kauai with a couple of girls that I teach with. That was a great blend of adventure and pure relaxation in the sun by the beach and/or pool! The last couple days in Kauai, my teammate Kaitlyn and her family were at our same hotel (what are the chances?!?), so it was wonderful seeing them—but more on that later.
As you have just read, March flew by from one thing to the next. We’ve been back to school for two weeks, and we have 7 more to go! Wow—my first year of teaching is going by SO quickly. I don’t know if that’s good or bad because, while it’s nice to almost have that “scary first year” under my belt, it’s quite appalling that I’ve been out of college for a year almost. Growing up is overrated, and I miss being irresponsible and free. 🙂
Health-wise, I am doing great! Other than a dumb bout with laryngitis at the end of February—as I learned one summer at Kanakuk, it’s pretty impossible to teach a class when you have no voice with which to teach, so that was lame, but I felt mostly okay—I say my health is great! Many people have been asking about my hair, and, once again, it’s growing on me. I’m liking the length it is now much more than in January, and though it seems eternally SLOW when I see it every day, looking back at pictures from even a month ago, I can definitely see the difference. Maybe that’s a good lesson to learn: appreciating even small changes and blessings…life lessons. 🙂
Beyond that, I have a few updates as to how I’m doing and then a prayer request.
Update 1: First, I think I’ve expressed in previous posts how the processing after-chemo has been more challenging than any processing DURING chemo, and I think that’s because during it, my mindset was just to push on through and beat it. This time—almost a YEAR…WOW—after chemo has been more conducive to processing since I haven’t had to worry too much about just pushing through for survival. 🙂 Actually, the day after my last post I think I had a helpful breakthrough. Basically, it’s been hard after cancer to figure out where I am in my walk with the Lord because each “trial” has seemed so insignificant in comparison to last year that I’ve felt at times like I’m just chilling—not necessarily far from the Lord, but not feeling like I’ve been growing too much. I think after struggling physically and emotionally to go through each day of last year, it’s been so different when I feel great and yet things are somewhat mundane. As I read that statement, don’t get me wrong: I am THRILLED and SO thankful to be healed and not have to worry each day about so many things that came with cancer, but it’s just been a weird transition back to routine everyday life.
Anyway, I think one of my bigger struggles this year has been not necessarily feeling like I’m being used or am growing too much, and it’s hard for me—and probably for a lot of us as believers—to just sit still and rest in Him rather than tackling trials and struggles. I have known for a while that it can be so much harder to trust in Him and see Him when things are routine and ordinary, so maybe that’s been it lately. So, the day after my last post, I was going through my study in Psalms and was on Psalm 33. My commentary is a book by Warren W. Wiersbe, and in explaining how God is a shield, he writes, “God protects us, not to pamper us, but to prepare us to go back into the battle. He is a ‘refuge and strength’ who hides us long enough to help us.”
This quote has been so helpful to me in remembering that God has ordained EVERY season in our lives—the hard ones, the easy ones, the bewildering ones, and every other season in-between. It helped to read this and be encouraged that this time of calm AFTER the metaphorical storm (of Hodgkin’s) is full of purpose, and it’s okay for me to just REST. Maybe this time has been a time of rest and protection, not for God to pamper me and make me feel good about myself, but to let me grieve, process, heal, and overall prepare to go back into the battle. So, I’ve had to realize that it’s ok to rest and take time to heal. If we didn’t what use would we be going back into the battle half broken from the previous struggles we’ve been through? All of that is to say that 1) every season in life is ordained for a purpose—even the quiet ones that we don’t think about 2) it’s okay—in fact, GOOD—to take time to heal and process so that we will be better prepared to go back into battle. God is using us in those times.
Update 2: As for processing, as you know if you’re reading this right now, writing was—and still IS—very therapeutic for me in this whole journey. That said, I’ve started to write out more of my thoughts in book form…that’s the end goal. Whether it ever gets published or not, we’ll see, but I have a long time until then. My grandma (Mema!) has always encouraged me that my blogs were super helpful and that she thought I was supposed to write a book. I took that as a sweet comment by someone who has to love me and say nice things to me, but I’ve been thinking more about that, and it’s really become a passion of mine in a way. I know one of my spiritual gifts is encouragement, and another one sometimes comes out to be shepherding. On top of that, apparently I’m “good at writing,” although my grades sure as heck never showed that. (Maybe that’s because I was an English major, so my writing didn’t always shine in comparison with the brilliant minds of other English majors at Wheaton…and, let’s be honest: I always could have put more time and revision into my papers.) Finally, I have learned in the past year that I really get excited when talking about cancer—not necessarily mine, but just in general since it’s something we always hear about, and yet it still seems so forbidden and ominous. So, combine my passion for encouraging, shepherding, a more-than-marginal and at least competent writing skill, and my desire to share about cancer, and I think a book seems like a really good way to encourage and shepherd through writing about cancer. We’ll see. It’s something I’m praying about, but in the meantime, I’ve been writing down my thoughts, I have a general outline, and I have a title inspired by my dad from one night early on in my diagnosis. I’ll let you know what comes of it! Thus far, I have 4,771 words…and a LONG way to go. 🙂
Update 3: I have a prayer request for anyone who is still reading. Small sidenote: I was discussing this topic with the person my prayer request concerns, and I still feel a little narcissistic—or to use her word, presumptuous—in writing here since I am feeling so well and I know that people have WAY more important things to do than check up on me, but I figure that as long as people are asking for updates and saying that they’re checking here for updates, I’ll keep writing on here, hopefully not adding to the noise of internet writing. ANYWAY, my prayer request is this: the woman who shaved my head last January is my teammate Kaitlyn Graham’s mom, Robin. She helped organize that whole night (which was SUCH a blessing to me!), let us come over to her house, played encouraging music, prayed with all of us, and actually helped me shed that nasty thinned hair which I hadn’t washed in a week. (gross). Beyond that, she and her family prayed faithfully for me, she brought me Jamba Juice and flowers, came to my graduation brunch, and has just been so loving and a huge blessing to me along with the rest of her family (and of course KG!). Last month, she went in for a mammogram, and they found that she has breast cancer. 🙁
The Grahams were the ones that overlapped for a couple days at our same hotel in Kauai on my spring break, so it was an incredible blessing to see them and spend some time together and share cancer stories, fears, and other feelings. After we had dinner the night before I had to leave, I was really hit hard by the whole situation—and I know firsthand that people get cancer everyday—but it was so hard to see Robin and her whole family having to walk through something like this. They are so precious, and they were especially important in my own journey, so to have to walk through this themselves is awful. I went down to the beach that night and was just so burdened—I cried (rare!) and was just crying out that I didn’t understand. It was actually a really great experience being out under the moon and stars by the ocean and having that freedom to just look up and wonder what God’s plan is and why I don’t understand it. Somehow, after my cries of frustration that I didn’t understand, I had an epiphany where it was just so clear that I was RIGHT. I DON’T understand. Bottom line. I simply can’t understand what God is doing there—or even what He was doing with my lymphoma—but instead of that being such a frustrating cry, it became one of peace as I accepted the fact that I do not understand. It reminded me of Job when he comes to the realization that he was NOT there at the start of creation, he does not order the world, and he doesn’t have all things under his sovereign plan, but God does! I think that night was crucial to my understanding of God as I made peace with the fact that I simply do not understand, and I can say that without being so frustrated or angry, but I can instead rest in the fact that the God who DOES understand is sovereign and good.
So, as much as this breaks my heart to see the Grahams walking into this new journey, I can say that I KNOW it is harder for them. They would LOVE your prayers for healing, wisdom, and that peace that truly does pass all understanding. I’ve been able to talk to Robin a good amount, and they have found doctors and now are waiting on a lumpectomy to stage her cancer. Prayers for miraculous healing, that it would be Stage 1, and that the lumpectomy would get ALL of the cancer so that there’s no radiation would be huge. Having seen how incredible everyone’s prayers were for me, I have no shame asking for more prayer—in fact, I now know how important it is to lift up burdens and the burdens of others. So, prayers for Robin, my teammate Kaitlyn, and the rest of her family as they start to walk this road would be so appreciated. They are a such a godly and sweet family. Below is a picture with me, Robin, and Kaitlyn in Kauai.
So, that’s most of what I’ve got for now. To close, I’d like to draw attention to the verse that opened this post, and particularly the second half: “I will tell of all your wonders.” My Bible commentary explains that “wonders” means “God’s saving acts, sometimes involving miracles…but aways involving the manifestation of God’s sovereign lordship over events.” I think that’s a huge part of what I’m supposed to do with my Hodgkin’s–to tell of ALL the ways God incredibly showed His faithfulness, sovereignty, and immense blessings through healing, provision in treatment, prayers, and incredible people surrounding me. Beyond just Hodgkin’s, though, I was reading through that last week and was so infused with the purpose of that verse–that we are to tell of all the ways God has shown His “sovereign lordship over events” in our lives. I love the way that is clarified, and it has reminded me of my purpose in life and helped shed light on what to do with cancer.
I pray that y’all are SO blessed and are reminded of all the “wonders” God has done in your life. Thankyou thankyou thankyou for all continued prayers, support, friendship, love, and prayers for the Grahams! God is good.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
Hannah